Tag: Spirituality

No longer held captive by the scars of your past.

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Every 
attempt 
to conceal
scars
is damaging 
to your soul.
Unleash them
from the 
preconceived 
emotions 
that keep you
bound to 
their power.
Allow your 
true self 
to be seen,
for your 
freedom cry 
is anxiously
waiting for
your arrival.

~Denise 
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

25 likes on facebook..changed everything…

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25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…

On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!

Or so..I thought.

As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.

As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.

I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.

I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..

~ xoxo Denise

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

I am Worthy..I am Validated..

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Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy

Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.

It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.

Once I hit the send button on my email message,  I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not.  I was clearly lying to myself.

As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.

I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.

I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way  I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.

A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.

I am Worthy. I am Validated.

Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to  Prevail over my Past.  And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.

My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Dirty Little Secret..

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Secrets……..

During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away.  He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.

People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.

No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.

With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.

The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.

Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.

This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.

To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.

Today, I hold onto this Truth:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

The Promise of Restoration..

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The tightening of my chest causes me to pray for help. I grab ahold of the white and red chamber that carries the medication that brings me instant relief. I inhale the mist, hold my breath and count down…5..4..3..2..1..exhale..Now I can breathe freely.

I have lived the last 39 of my almost 43 years of my life as an asthmatic. I recently had a conversation with my Mom and asked her at what age did I begin having asthma attacks? She said that at 4 years old, I would be rushed to the emergency room, several times a week due to asthma attacks. She also stated that not only did I have asthma attacks, but I also stopped eating. She would have to leave snacks around the house, hoping that if I became hungry enough, I would eat.

For many of years, I have had flashbacks to the time that I was in preschool. I would see a mat on the floor, and a thin, off white blanket on top of the mat. When it was naptime, the teachers had every student lay on their mat, but we were required to remove our clothing. We were only allowed to keep on our undergarments. I don’t remember much else from the days of attending that preschool. My mom said that she withdrew me from the school, because she “had a bad feeling”, she called it a “Mother’s intuition”.

In 1973, I believe that is when I first encountered childhood sexual molestation. The manifestation of symptoms, were clearly the sign of a child who had been abused.

The Webster’s dictionary defines, Restoration as the following:

“The return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed”.

As I continue on my journey of healing, I know that I will face the darkest times of my past, I will bravely take on the armour of God that He promises will be my protection. I hold onto the Hope and Expectation of the things to come….MY complete Restoration of the Return to the Condition of What I WAS BEFORE I was changed by the hands of an abuser.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©