Today I celebrate…

On April 11th, I turned 51…

Today I celebrate

both the good and the bad of these 51 years…there were so many days that I struggled with my value and self-worth, never “feeling” good enough as I listened to the lies which kept me bound to their twisted truth for far too long. So many years of refusing to truly allow myself to shine for fear of failure or rejection, playing it safe instead of living freely.

As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I despised who and what I saw in my mirror.

It has been such a slippery slope to maneuver through the trauma.

Daily choosing to renew my mind, as I apply truth to my brokenness, I am healing whole.

Today I celebrate.

Every step
she takes
is a brave
quest to silence
the lies
which kept
her bound
for far too long.
This courageous
feat outweighs
the years of
previous defeats.

Her new found

confidence
beams as
she finds
her worth
in simply
being
present.
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
#nolongerheldcaptive

International Women’s Day is everyday…says this survivor.

Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape at 14. I lived most of my life in a fragmented mindset, pieces of my identity hidden behind the shadow of what I only allowed others to see. The secrets were suppressed and the key to that pain was locked away.

The bondage placed upon my life at the early age of 4, was meant to be a death sentence of everything good that my Mother and Grandmother stood for and the love they so lovingly wrapped me in, was now blemished. The curse had been passed down through generations and as much as they tried to protect me from abuse, I experienced this unmentionable pain in the hands of people they trusted.

Years of flashback and triggers haunted me as I covered up the pain through perfectionism, people pleasing, an eating disorder and many other coping mechanisms. Trauma after trauma tried to keep my mind in a self-denial pit of defeat. Blurring my decision making and accepting unhealthy boundaries.

On the outside I appeared to have it ALL together, picture perfect is what some would say. But, on the inside I felt scarred, damaged, worthless, unloveable and broken.

I was lost.

When I chose to face the truth and feel the pain, it was excruciating, literally debilitating and heart wrenching.

I wanted to put it all back in the pretty little box that I secretly kept hidden in the crevices of my heart.

But I couldn’t…the truth was exposed and I had to make a decision, either I was gonna fold or I was gonna fight…and I chose to fight for my freedom.

What does fighting for my freedom look like?

Everyday making a decision to do the next right thing…..in spite of depression, anxiety, ptsd, wanting to isolate, low self esteem, doubt, fear or self sabotage.

The next right thing looks

like…..accountability, intensive therapy, an eating disorder program, Celebrate Recovery: 12-step Christ centered recovery program, reaching out to others who I trust when I need support or a listening ear, prayer…lot’s of prayer, self-care, journaling, spending time with my husband, kids, granddaughter and our dog, walking preferably near salt water with the beach under my feet, fresh air, essential oils, laughter, whole food, supplements, chocolate, reading, drinking water, sipping my cup of coffee in a pretty mug, finding joy and gratitude daily…even when it’s hard and learning to love, accept love and give love.

Above all else, my relationship with God through his son Jesus is how I am learning to view myself through His Word, promises and truth. I am healing.

These are some of the tools, resources and support I have used and some I am still using to help me walk in my freedom.

Everyday I celebrate “international women’s day” as I cheer on other women who are locking arms with others who are overcoming tremendous battles (some in which others may never know about) and are taking one step at a time to courageously become liberated from what tried to destroy her.

My name is denise marie and

I AM no longer held captive…by my childhood secrets, I AM free.

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

#nolongerheldcaptive

Awaken yourself…

Fear kept

me bound

to circumstances

that stripped

me of my

self-worth.

Awareness,

of the need

to change

my perspective,

opened up

my ability

to love

myself.

Belief in

who He is,

bought my

freedom.

~ denise marie

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by the scars of your past.

Every 
attempt 
to conceal
scars
is damaging 
to your soul.
Unleash them
from the 
preconceived 
emotions 
that keep you
bound to 
their power.
Allow your 
true self 
to be seen,
for your 
freedom cry 
is anxiously
waiting for
your arrival.

~Denise 
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by…discontent

Why must we

wander around,

looking to fill

the emptiness

with things

outside of ourself?

Attempting to drown out

the pain by trading

inanimate items

for animate

disappointments.

Yearning

for that

next fix,

which will

never truly

fill the

void.

~Denise

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by chaos…

Fast talking,

heart pumping

overthinking

everything.

This nervous energy

was driven by

an attempt

to hide behind

the inability

to trust,

even my

own instincts.

Trauma

groomed me

into believing

that I was nothing

outside of what

I did for others.

Unknowingly,

it kept

me bound,

to things out of

my control.

I’ve learned,

to walk away

from the chaos,

and to step

into my

true authentic self.

For there is where,

I am happy,

and for there is where,

I am free.

~Denise

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by…secrets.

Words that are silenced, are lethal secrets to destroy your soul. Speak your truth.  – Denise

I am a Survivor, and a daily Overcomer to the pain I hid for 40 years. I found my voice and I am never turning back…I am No Longer Held Captive By My Childhood Secrets.

Speaking from a place of authenticity can be gut wrenching! But I keep writing and as I write it brings me healing. To write unapologetically & without shame brings me freedom.

I was sexually abused off and on by several people both male and female approximately between the ages of 4-12 years old and while I was on a date at age 14, I was raped in my high school parking lot.

As a teenager, I struggled with low self-esteem, and after I was raped, I developed an eating disorder, called bulimia. I used diet pills, laxatives and restricted my eating in order to try to control those things that I couldn’t control in my life. At school I was an overachieving people pleasing perfectionist, but away from school I was promiscuous and occasionally used alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. The sexual abuse caused me to live with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame.

I hid those terrible secrets for close to 40 years, and on April 5, 2012, my declared “Day of Emancipation”, I shared my childhood sexual abuse and rape story publicly on Ravens Closet Talk Show.

The many years of stuffing the unresolved childhood trauma took a toll on my physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health. It completely affected my life, including the ability to create healthy boundaries in the relationship with my husband.

Words like depression, anxiety, PTSD & chronic illness were common discussions with my Doctors. Currently, I am working through the healing process, layer by layer…one moment at a time with God and through Celebrate Recovery, a 12-step Christian Recovery Program.

Healing is a process, so be gentle with yourself, I’ve learned that isolating is NOT an option and reaching out for help is imperative. Always remember, you are not alone.

What the enemy tried to use to destroy me, God is using to give others hope. With God ALL things are possible…which includes walking through the journey of healing from the pain of childhood trauma & the pain of relationship betrayal. Today, step by step, my life and marriage are being restored.

~ Denise
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

No longer held captive by…the need for validation

Having a false

sense of security

in the opinion

of others,

is an intentional attempt

to try to live our life

pleasing the created

instead of the creator.

yearning for acceptance

that only comes from

His place of peace.

the constant battles

that play out in

our own thoughts,

limits our ability

to clearly distinguish

between sanity and insanity.

the self-contained

ego-driven

willingness

to remain

in distress

limits our gift

of freedom.

I am learning, it’s not a get “fixed quick” healing process, I have to be willing to do the hard work necessary in order to renew my mind. Which includes, limiting the opinions of others and the access of them speaking into my life from a place of their “own” needs being met. Honoring my space and upholding healthy boundaries is imperative.

~ Denise

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36