25 likes on facebook..changed everything…

25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…

On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!

Or so..I thought.

As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.

As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.

I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.

I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..

~ xoxo Denise

To Break the Seal of Secrecy…

To Cover-up¬†is a concerted effort to keep an illegal or unethical act or situation from being made public (Webster’s Dictionary)

Pedofiles¬†will use many tools to protect their image. They are skilled in deception and will¬†lie to you and others; They will not only manipulate you¬†but will be a¬†master puppeteer in all areas of there life¬†to benefit their own desires. They will ¬†deceive you into believeing that you need them and without them, you will are¬†“less of” a person.¬†Some may¬†flatter you with gifts and make you feel special.¬†Ultimately they will do whatever it takes to keep¬†the secret sealed. Fear¬†begins to play a major factor in the holding of¬†“the secret”. You,¬†will buy-in to the lie and begin to blame yourself.¬†You would much rather¬†keep the secret hidden, rather than¬†risk the redicule¬†of no one believing your story.

During this¬†past month, I have¬†crossed the paths¬†of several people who have experienced being abused and they shared their story with me.¬†In one incident, I had a conversation with the father of a victim. He had protected his daughter from the abuse that had happened to her by her step-dad and step-brother while living in her biological moms home. The pain in his eyes as he told me the story continues to haunt me. You see, he had protected his daughter from her abusers for 12 years, and when his daughter recently¬†turned 18, she moved out of his home and returned to the home in which the abuse occurred. Because she is an “adult”, there is nothing legally he can do.

An 18 year old young lady,¬†shared her rape and sexual abuse story with me. When she was 13 years old, she had spent alot of time at a family friends home. One night,¬†the husband of the family friend came into her room and took her innocence.¬†All adults involved in this young lady’s life at the time, had proof that the¬†abuse happened, but chose to protect the pedofile and swept the crime under the carpet. The Pastor of their church decided to counsel the pedofile and his wife and asked the victim to keep quiet.

I had a “confidential” conversation with a teenager who told me that¬†a former youth ministry leader, had confessed to her that she had been having a sexual relationship with a college student who is actively¬†involved in the youth group. The college student is 21 years old, and the youth¬†leader is in her 30’s.¬†¬†Though the college student is a “consenting adult”,¬†the youth leader was a trusted adult in a leadership role¬†and clearly crossed all ethical and moral boundaries.

She recently removed herself from the church and is not a youth leader.¬†But…her behavior has not been exposed to the church leadership or to the parents of this college student. I was told this information and asked to keep it confidential due to the amount of stress it would cause the people involved…But how could I sit by idly? Remaining quiet, goes against every fiber in my being.

Numerous stories like these flood the media, yet..many survivors continue to live in shame and countless victims continue to be abused.

Author and Speaker Ressurrection Graves, powerfully talks about overcoming emotional and childhood sexual abuse. In her blog, she has a petition to help make child sexual abuse grooming a felony. I have signed the petition and I am asking everyone to please sign the petition as well.

Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I am determined more than ever to continue to share my story and will encourage others to Break the Seal of Secrecy.

~ xoxo Denise

The Dirty Little Secret..

Secrets……..

During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away.¬†¬†He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the¬†“special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.

People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.

No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong?¬†Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.

With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.

The¬†pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.

Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.

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The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.

This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be¬†perfect. I¬†didn’t want to make anyone¬†feel bad or be uncomfortable.¬†But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.

To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.

Today, I hold onto this Truth:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

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