Continuous
apologizing
for others
actions,
words,
or
deeds,
is mentally
binding you
to the
ownership of
others problems.
It’s ok to
free yourself
from the
insanity.
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
Tag: Reflections
No longer held captive by chaos…
Fast talking,
heart pumping
overthinking
everything.
This nervous energy
was driven by
an attempt
to hide behind
the inability
to trust,
even my
own instincts.
Trauma
groomed me
into believing
that I was nothing
outside of what
I did for others.
Unknowingly,
it kept
me bound,
to things out of
my control.
I’ve learned,
to walk away
from the chaos,
and to step
into my
true authentic self.
For there is where,
I am happy,
and for there is where,
I am free.
~Denise
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.
Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.
She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.
The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom. It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
I am Worthy..I am Validated..
Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy
Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.
It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.
Once I hit the send button on my email message, I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not. I was clearly lying to myself.
As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.
I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.
I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.
A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.
I am Worthy. I am Validated.
Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to Prevail over my Past. And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.
My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
No longer held captive 