Tag: Rape

Oh where..oh where..could it be?

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What is the most precious thing you have ever lost? Really..take a moment and remember how you felt when you lost it..now..how did it make you feel?

For me, that question brought chills down my spine as I never have completly recovered from losing my most precious possession.

When an item is lost, you find yourself frantically looking EVERYWHERE. You look high and low,  above and beneath, between and around, just about every crack and crevice will be inspected. You track and retrack every step, going in circles, just hoping that it will turn up.

You begin to question yourself and think that possibly you never had it in the first place and maybe you left the item safely tucked away at home.

But reality sets in when you truly realize that the item is nowhere to be found.

When I was a child, my innocence was lost taken. The moment I was violated….my life changed.

Years after the incidents of being molested as a child and raped at the age of 14.  I lived in a whirlwind aftermath of always “looking for something”.

In my teenage years,  I needed attention and was constantly looking to men for validation. Sex became a major motivator in my quest for acceptance and love.

The countless names or faces of every partner is difficult to recollect. During the “act” I emotionally removed myself and became simply a vessel for someone else’s satisfaction.

Today…the searching has been replaced with “recovering” as I continue on my journey to healing.

FAITH…it does not make things easy..it makes them possible. Luke 1:37

To Break the Seal of Secrecy…

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To Cover-up is a concerted effort to keep an illegal or unethical act or situation from being made public (Webster’s Dictionary)

Pedofiles will use many tools to protect their image. They are skilled in deception and will lie to you and others; They will not only manipulate you but will be a master puppeteer in all areas of there life to benefit their own desires. They will  deceive you into believeing that you need them and without them, you will are “less of” a person. Some may flatter you with gifts and make you feel special. Ultimately they will do whatever it takes to keep the secret sealed. Fear begins to play a major factor in the holding of “the secret”. You, will buy-in to the lie and begin to blame yourself. You would much rather keep the secret hidden, rather than risk the redicule of no one believing your story.

During this past month, I have crossed the paths of several people who have experienced being abused and they shared their story with me. In one incident, I had a conversation with the father of a victim. He had protected his daughter from the abuse that had happened to her by her step-dad and step-brother while living in her biological moms home. The pain in his eyes as he told me the story continues to haunt me. You see, he had protected his daughter from her abusers for 12 years, and when his daughter recently turned 18, she moved out of his home and returned to the home in which the abuse occurred. Because she is an “adult”, there is nothing legally he can do.

An 18 year old young lady, shared her rape and sexual abuse story with me. When she was 13 years old, she had spent alot of time at a family friends home. One night, the husband of the family friend came into her room and took her innocence. All adults involved in this young lady’s life at the time, had proof that the abuse happened, but chose to protect the pedofile and swept the crime under the carpet. The Pastor of their church decided to counsel the pedofile and his wife and asked the victim to keep quiet.

I had a “confidential” conversation with a teenager who told me that a former youth ministry leader, had confessed to her that she had been having a sexual relationship with a college student who is actively involved in the youth group. The college student is 21 years old, and the youth leader is in her 30’s.  Though the college student is a “consenting adult”, the youth leader was a trusted adult in a leadership role and clearly crossed all ethical and moral boundaries.

She recently removed herself from the church and is not a youth leader. But…her behavior has not been exposed to the church leadership or to the parents of this college student. I was told this information and asked to keep it confidential due to the amount of stress it would cause the people involved…But how could I sit by idly? Remaining quiet, goes against every fiber in my being.

Numerous stories like these flood the media, yet..many survivors continue to live in shame and countless victims continue to be abused.

Author and Speaker Ressurrection Graves, powerfully talks about overcoming emotional and childhood sexual abuse. In her blog, she has a petition to help make child sexual abuse grooming a felony. I have signed the petition and I am asking everyone to please sign the petition as well.

Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I am determined more than ever to continue to share my story and will encourage others to Break the Seal of Secrecy.

~ xoxo Denise

Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.

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Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of  working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.

She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.

The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom.  It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not  know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©

It’s Time To Burn Your Cloak..

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On April 5, 2012, I had the opportunity to share my story for the first time publicly as a guest on the Ravens Closet talk show, http://ravensclosettalkshow.com/ . I was so excited counting down the days to the day in which I called, my “Day of Emancipation”. The dictionary defines Emancipation, to be free from bondage, the condition of a slave. When I read this definition, I also looked up the definition of Proclamation, which means to be free from slavery and to declare it publicly. I truly had been a slave to the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse and also to my experience of being raped.

On April 4th, I had been going over my story and reviewing what I was going to say. As I was writing a flood of emotion suddenly came over me. I felt the anger rise up from the pit of my stomach. I thought I was going to literally jump out of my skin. Every emotion that I had tried to suppress and every bit of insecurity and fear came to the surface. I began to weep and shake uncontrollably.

Every excuse I had used to this point, was no longer going to hold me back from my freedom.  I knew I had to feel the pain, and the anger of the abuse. It was my right and I gave myself permission to release the shame, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depression, the lack of trust, the nightmares and flashbacks, the overall feeling of “not being good enough”. I had carried this cloak long enough and I knew it was time for me to remove the cloak and declare power and freedom over my past.

I called my husband and shared my pain with him, I needed the support and for someone to just listen to me. I went off, not on him, but on everyone who had hurt me as a child. I expressed how I felt when my friend’s Grandfather touched me,  I expressed how I felt when I was molested in the closet by the babysitter’s daughter, I expressed how I felt when I was Raped in the front seat of a car. My husband lovingly and patiently allowed me to release that pain, without judgement.

I will never forget that moment of release on April 4th and I will never forget April 5th, in which I bravely shared my story. This is only my beginning and I will never carry the heavy cloak again.

I, Denise Boyd am a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. Those inhumane, violent acts of betrayal againgst me as a child, tried to destroy me, but, with God, I know that All Things Are Possible and that My Healing will oneday be Complete.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©