April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please join me in sharing the following video. Social network has a way of spreading information out quickly, please reblog, post, tweet, facebook, email, etc! Thank you ahead of time for doing YOUR part in bringing Awareness to END Childhood Sexual Abuse.
~ Denise ~ No Longer Held Captive..By My Childhood Secrets
~By breaking my silence, I am no longer giving power to the pain~
Today, I want to encourage you to break your silence and declare that you
Are No Longer Held Captive..By Your Childhood Secrets..
May your temporary sorrow, lead you to Triumphant Victory ~ Denise
Resilient..the ability to recover from adversity.
The above picture, is one that I have on my mirror. It reaches to the depths of my soul and reminds me daily that I AM Resilient.
Three years ago, when I was Forty years old, I had decided to face the pain of my past and follow the advice of my therapist and attend a group therapy session with other Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Week after week, I would sit there and listen to others share their story, and little by little I would share parts of my story. One of the sessions, we were asked to write a letter to one of our abusers, in our journal. We had the choice to read the journal entry to the group. I decided to read mine to the group and immediately began weeping. As I sat there, I felt as if my world was spinning, and every angle was crashing in on me. When the session was over. I was still crying as I walked to my car. I sat in my car for two hours, because I was so emotionally debilitated, I could not drive. I called my husband and asked him to stay on the phone with me as I drove home. When I got home, I went straight to my room, walked into my closet, closed the door and rolled up in a ball and wept. The pain was overbearing as I laid there in my sweat, snot and tears as the years of secrets that I had been holding were coming to the surface. At that very moment, I knew I was at risk of having a nervous break down, and I began to pray and ask God to help me….And He did. He comforted and surrounded me with His Love. Many of us have stories that are hidden. I want you to know, that YOU have the Ability to Recover, to be Restored and to Heal. You are Resilient.
Psalm 91 [Amplified Verson]
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].
I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!
For [then] He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.
[Then] He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings shall you trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler.
You shall not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the arrow (the evil plots and slanders of the wicked) that flies by day,
Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.
A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you.
Only a spectator shall you be [yourself inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High] as you witness the reward of the wicked.
Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,
There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.
For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend and preserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].
They shall bear you up on their hands, lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You shall tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent shall you trample underfoot.
Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness—trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never].
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.
Today..April 11th..the Day of MY Birth.
Today, April 11th is my Birthday. One of the ways I choose to celebrate, is by reflecting on my journey. In the midst of working through the healing of being a Survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape, I want to give tribute to My Mother’s Love on the day I was born.
She looked into her daughters big brown eyes, lightly kissing the dusting of light brown hair on her head. Whispering softly how loved and honored she was to hold her only daughter. Anticipating with excitement all of the hopes, and dreams of a wonderful life for, Denise Marie. Without blemish or imperfection, Adorned with Beauty and Grace. She was the love of her life, the beat of her heart, the precious connection that would never be torn apart. The immeasurable amount of Love she deposited into her daughter’s life, equipped Denise with the unyielding Strength she would need to endure the things to come.
The Powerful, Never Ending, Love of my Mother carried me through the darkest times of my life. A few months ago, I shared my entire story of my childhood sexual abuse and rape with my Mom. It was time for me to no longer deceptively, hide the truth from her. As difficult as it was for me to tell her, she needed to hear my secrets. The shame, guilt and fear tried to overcome me as I began to share my story. All of the lies I used to cover up the Truth tried to rise up in me, and shy me away from being completly honest. I wanted to protect her heart from the pain. But I knew, in order for me to be free, I had to tell her every ugly detail of the abuse, and who the abusers were. As I spoke, the fear within me, began to be replaced with her amazing Love for me. She intently listened to me, without interruption, without judgement, and without making excuses as to why she did not know I was being abused. She understood that this was my appointed time to release 40 years of hidden pain and at that very moment of vulnerability she chose to simply Love me. Today, I Continue to Embrace My Healing Journey and Completly Celebrate ME!
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
The Dirty Little Secret..
During the midnight hour of this particular day, she squeezes her eyes shut, hoping the pain will go away. He whispers, “shhh..be quiet”.., she quickly turns away. These dirty secrets revealed to him alone, those were the “special” times that were never mentioned to another soul.
People did not understand, “Why is she sad?” “Why does she have to be so mad?” They assumed she was a spoiled brat.
No one took the time to ask her, What was wrong? Or explain to her, why she was the “favorite” one.
With each Touch, Fondle or distorted Caress..It ripped her self image apart. She felt truly alone, afraid to tell, for the fear of losing what little bit of her heart, she had left.
The pretty little face was masked with shame. How could you not know, that she had been “changed”.
Her heart was torn into pieces completely shattered by these…Deep Dark Secrets.
The above self expression is a glimpse to how I felt many of times during my childhood and early adolescent years. Those were the years that I experienced molestation from many different people.The pictures are of me, the sadness in my eyes, alone, tell my story.
This ugly subject of childhood sexual abuse is not easy to discuss. But in this journey of healing, I have moments that I need to express myself. For many of years, I would not allow myself to “feel” how I was actually feeling. To embrace the pain, the heartache and the betrayal of my innocence. In my teenage and adult years, one of my many coping mechanisms was to pretend that everything was ok. I was an excellent actress in the role of my life. I chose to wear a smile, I worked hard to make everyone believe I was fine, I tried to be perfect. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or be uncomfortable. But, by doing this, it took a toll on my health, my happiness and my state of mind.
To acknowledge these feelings brings me Healing.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. He is going through the chambers of my heart and he is replacing the hurt and anger with his Love and with His Truth about who I AM. I no longer remain in a state of depression, He gives me Hope. And with that I move forward with confidence and will No Longer Remain Silent.
Today, I hold onto this Truth:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Denise Boyd Copyright ©