I am Worthy..I am Validated..

Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy

Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.

It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.

Once I hit the send button on my email message,  I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not.  I was clearly lying to myself.

As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.

I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.

I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way  I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.

A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.

I am Worthy. I am Validated.

Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to  Prevail over my Past.  And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.

My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

Today..I Strive..

From this day forth, I strive to tell the

  • Authentic  “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character”
  • Unadulterated  ”not diluted or made impure”
  • Truth “a verified or indisputable fact”

Of, My story about being sexually molested as a child and raped as a teenager.

Over the years, I learned how to mask the hurt, pain and turmoil. As of yet, I have not shared my story with some of my closest friends or many of my family members. Some may say, I am the ultimate actress in this role I call, My Life.  Yes, in order to cope, I had to seperate myself from the little girl who was abused. But at 42 years of age, those acts of violation againgst me, affected who I was, and held me back from who God truly inteded for me to be. It was time for me to heal.

In this journey, I use the following statement of truth to remind myself of who I am and who I have become, “I am beautifully created, smart and funny. I take pride in being a great Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend. I am a professional woman who is Loved and Respected. People want to be around me because they like me, and not because they want to use my body for their pleasure”.  The affirmations and declarations I use are an imperative part of my healing.

Reading and writing poetry has always been one of my passions, in Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem, there is a section that says, “Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries”. It goes on to say, Still…I Rise, I Rise, I Rise“.

The abusers may have tried to break me, by unknowingly keeping me in a lifetime of bondage to the “hidden” parts of my life. When I release those secrets, I allow myself to feel the deep pain caused by the abuse. In the privacy of my home, normally in my room, I reflect on the abuse. The overwhelming feeling of heartache consumes me and has caused me to fall to the ground, roll up in a ball, and lay there in a fetal position. The amount of pain that I carry in my soul can be debilitating. (when reflecting on the pain, always make sure you have a support system nearby, for your safety)

In those moments, I cry out to God and hold onto my Faith. He helps me to Rise with Strength and with Power to overcome the hurt, guilt, shame and depression. The following video is of Whitney Houston singing, “I Look to You”. It is a powerful song that depicts the ultimate need for Grace, Love and Acceptance that I’ve learned can only be fulfilled by my relationship with God.

As I move forward in this Healing Journey, I will always continue to Look To You, which comes my help.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©