I have hereditary dark circles which have gotten darker due to off and on years of stress and health challenges. Daily I cover these blemishes with concealer so others will not see the dark pigmentation under both of my eyes. This is very similar to the “covering up” of my story due to shame.
Those same fears kept me in a constant cycle of performance based validation as I placed my value and worth in what I did for others and how I “appeared”. This warped view of my identity, made me feel like I was never enough.
I settled for unhealthy boundaries, suppressed pain from my childhood trauma and had a hard time acknowledging the depths of the current pain I was experiencing in 2015. I worked very hard to make people believe my life was “ok”. Until I found myself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually in a dark space.
Covering up the pain of my past revealed itself in other ways; just like dark pigmentation will not always be able to hide underneath the concealer.
Almost 3 years ago, I wrote the following poem during a time where “covering up” was no longer a possible option:
I was attacked
at the very core
of my being and
was told to end it.
That I was not going to
live past the depression,
the anxiety and the tremendous
amount of pain.
The lies, and self hatred
tried to overshadow every ounce
of hope and faith
I previously held onto.
Even though I walk through the
Fragmented pieces of the
memories came flashing
back as I tried to piece them
together and make sense
of the realization that these
were not nightmares but
factual suppressed recollections.
I will fear no evil…for you are with me….
It was too much!
I felt as if I was literally being
ripped from the inside out.
Every part of my body ached
as I exposed the truth and
walked through the dark
murkiness of my past.
You protect and guide me,
and I find comfort as you console me…
In my despair,
I wept, as I released the pain.
You are repairing all the damage
that was done to me,
and restoring the deepest,
most real part of me.
Lord, I am standing in my truth as I walk in my freedom. My strength and hope comes from you. (*Psalm 23)
These last 3 or so years have been a time of growing closer in my relationship with Christ, creating healthy boundaries and actively participating in: intensive outpatient therapy, trauma therapy, Celebrate Recovery; a 12-step Recovery program, and learning how to live my life intentionally authentic as I am healing layer by layer.
Today, I choose to continue to walk with courage and speak my truth, as I shine His light on the darkness that kept me bound. Daily continuing to overcome and let others know that with God, you have Hope.💗
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36