I am Worthy..I am Validated..
Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy
Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.
It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.
Once I hit the send button on my email message, I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not. I was clearly lying to myself.
As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.
I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.
I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.
A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.
I am Worthy. I am Validated.
Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to Prevail over my Past. And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.
My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©