Tag: childhood sexual abuse

Today I celebrate…

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On April 11th, I turned 51…

Today I celebrate

both the good and the bad of these 51 years…there were so many days that I struggled with my value and self-worth, never “feeling” good enough as I listened to the lies which kept me bound to their twisted truth for far too long. So many years of refusing to truly allow myself to shine for fear of failure or rejection, playing it safe instead of living freely.

As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I despised who and what I saw in my mirror.

It has been such a slippery slope to maneuver through the trauma.

Daily choosing to renew my mind, as I apply truth to my brokenness, I am healing whole.

Today I celebrate.

Every step
she takes
is a brave
quest to silence
the lies
which kept
her bound
for far too long.
This courageous
feat outweighs
the years of
previous defeats.

Her new found

confidence
beams as
she finds
her worth
in simply
being
present.
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
#nolongerheldcaptive

International Women’s Day is everyday…says this survivor.

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Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape at 14. I lived most of my life in a fragmented mindset, pieces of my identity hidden behind the shadow of what I only allowed others to see. The secrets were suppressed and the key to that pain was locked away.

The bondage placed upon my life at the early age of 4, was meant to be a death sentence of everything good that my Mother and Grandmother stood for and the love they so lovingly wrapped me in, was now blemished. The curse had been passed down through generations and as much as they tried to protect me from abuse, I experienced this unmentionable pain in the hands of people they trusted.

Years of flashback and triggers haunted me as I covered up the pain through perfectionism, people pleasing, an eating disorder and many other coping mechanisms. Trauma after trauma tried to keep my mind in a self-denial pit of defeat. Blurring my decision making and accepting unhealthy boundaries.

On the outside I appeared to have it ALL together, picture perfect is what some would say. But, on the inside I felt scarred, damaged, worthless, unloveable and broken.

I was lost.

When I chose to face the truth and feel the pain, it was excruciating, literally debilitating and heart wrenching.

I wanted to put it all back in the pretty little box that I secretly kept hidden in the crevices of my heart.

But I couldn’t…the truth was exposed and I had to make a decision, either I was gonna fold or I was gonna fight…and I chose to fight for my freedom.

What does fighting for my freedom look like?

Everyday making a decision to do the next right thing…..in spite of depression, anxiety, ptsd, wanting to isolate, low self esteem, doubt, fear or self sabotage.

The next right thing looks

like…..accountability, intensive therapy, an eating disorder program, Celebrate Recovery: 12-step Christ centered recovery program, reaching out to others who I trust when I need support or a listening ear, prayer…lot’s of prayer, self-care, journaling, spending time with my husband, kids, granddaughter and our dog, walking preferably near salt water with the beach under my feet, fresh air, essential oils, laughter, whole food, supplements, chocolate, reading, drinking water, sipping my cup of coffee in a pretty mug, finding joy and gratitude daily…even when it’s hard and learning to love, accept love and give love.

Above all else, my relationship with God through his son Jesus is how I am learning to view myself through His Word, promises and truth. I am healing.

These are some of the tools, resources and support I have used and some I am still using to help me walk in my freedom.

Everyday I celebrate “international women’s day” as I cheer on other women who are locking arms with others who are overcoming tremendous battles (some in which others may never know about) and are taking one step at a time to courageously become liberated from what tried to destroy her.

My name is denise marie and

I AM no longer held captive…by my childhood secrets, I AM free.

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

#nolongerheldcaptive

From the first touch…

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Self expression through writing has been a hobby & passion of mine since I was a little girl. In this picture, I was approximately 5 years old and was writing a poem. The following self expression explains why I am sitting there with a blank stare filled with so much sadness.

From the first touch, my life was forever changed. I could no longer see through the innocent sparkled filled eyes of a little girl, but rather the a darkened, blank stare that narrowly dilated my carefree view of this world. This false interpretation of safety and love from a man, quickly devoured my heart with lies of how my life was to be.

The depths of the overwhelming sadness that overcame me, could never be explained in order for you to understand how deep that violation not only hurt me, but changed me. All because of…that first touch.

The “first” touch led to many incidents of being molested by several people through the age of 12 and then raped at the age of 14. I held this secret until I was 40 years old. By finally sharing my story, it is helping me heal from the pain of the abuse.

Words That Are Silenced Are Lethal Secrets To Destroy You Soul, Speak Your Truth.

In April, I turn 50 years old, a half century! I want to encourage others that they too can be “no longer held captive by childhood secrets”. By safely sharing your secret with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, therapist or writing it out anonymously, this powerful act of courage, is the first step to being free from shame.

~ denise marie

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by…shame

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She uncovered the secrets that haunted her in the middle of the night,

those undisclosed images that had been safely tucked away in the remote

areas of her mind, are no longer

given permission to run rampant

through her thoughts.

Courageously, she stood up

and faced those lies,

that had comfortably laid itself

dormant around the very core of her being.

She stripped herself of the heaviness,

that attempted to overshadow

every good thing.

And bravely, no longer allowed fear

to define her worth.

~denise marie

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

Above all else Stand…

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There were so many years that I struggled with the overwhelming hurt of the little girl within me.

On the outside people saw the smile, the beauty, the “perfect” image that I tried so hard to sustain.

They say secrets make you sick…

I say…those secrets will grow legs and make itself known in the ugliest of ways…

My secrets manifested itself as depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, excessive control and various health issues.

Words like PTSD…Intensive outpatient therapy…and Recovery became an ongoing conversation with my Doctor.

I could no longer hide it…

The little girl in me…

The one who was crying out to be seen…

She rose up… And declared her freedom.

~ Denise

Quiet the voice of deceit…

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de·ceit \ the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid

I think I am angry…
No, I know I am angry…
and I am really angry at you.

It happened over and over again, and you sat there and did nothing…

I know you didn’t want to betray me…

but you did…

I blamed you…..

I accused you….

and I despised you….

and most of all…

I hated you for not protecting me…

The innocence that was stripped from the loins of this little girl, brought years of heartache, shame and self hate. 

This taunting voice of deception…

came in order to remind me of my past. 

This direct battle between good and evil….

truth and lies…

hope and despair....

was an attempt to try to destroy me…

and keep me bound to pain.

Today, I bravely look at every jagged edge that was piercing the most sacred areas of my heart…

I boldly speak truth to those broken places… 

I see worth…value…and the unending love,

that He so gracefully pours over me…covering me…protecting me.

Piece by piece, I am made whole.

~Denise

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

 

The Power to Rise…

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listen

This beautiful and vibrant artwork by Kohava Howard, immediately spoke volumes to my soul!

The colors and her image, made me think of myself as I bravely continue on my healing journey.

At times I found myself, revisiting the painful areas of my past and hovering there, literally stuck in a dark place within my mind. Those moments lead me to feeling not only depressed, but caused me to isolate from my family and friends.

The Power to Rise…

Through therapy,  recovery and my relationship with God, I have learned that it is ok to feel the pain. I no longer stuff my feelings, but I talk about them, freely, without fear of judgement.  I face those memories with courage, completely accepting both the good and bad memories of my past. Applying truth and love has given me my freedom.

As I continue to meditate on the woman in this picture, her image depicts tremendous amount of strength, which transcends beauty and radiates of her perfect peace and hope for her future.

~ xoxo Denise

“TO LURK”..EXIST UNPERCEIVED OR UNSUSPECTED…

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This poem is in tribute to the little girl, in me, who at 9 years old, unexpectedly became the victim to the abuse of a family friend.

In the early morning hours, just prior to dawn.

you silently stepped into the bedroom

and viewed your next victim.

Your excitement grew,

as you placed one of your hands,

upon her flat, pre-adolescent chest,

and moved the other hand beneath the covers.

As you attempted to reach her innocence,

she flinched… and fear overtook her as she see’s you hovering over her.

STOP! She yelled.

You glared at her disgustingly,

and quickly left the room.

She was the lamb to the slaughter,

the doe to the hunter.

The ultimate sacrifice to the appetite of,

this dirty old man.

Denise Boyd Copyright ©

 

Cutting the ties that bind….

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My pulse is racing, sweat is pouring from my forehead, the lump in my throat is being crushed with each attempt to swallow. A panic attack is nearing…so I open my eyes, and realize I am ok.

Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality..

As a survivor of sexual abuse. There had been many years that an “invisible” rope was draped around my neck. Every flashback triggered a negative reaction that seemed to bring an overwhelming sensation of choking.

Literally choking..you know..the feeling of desperately trying to cry out or speak, but the tightening of the muscles around my neck, made it impossible.

The intense emotional pain from the abuse, had me wanting to crawl out of my skin in order to find relief.

“On the Other Side of Fear, Lies Freedom” ~ risingbean

For many years, the pain laid dormant around the exterior of my heart. Which prevented self worth and love to penetrate.

Every prior resistance to healing, is no longer confined to the barriers of those walls.

For over 40 years, I allowed the abuser(s) to have power over me…power over my way of thinking…power over the way I behaved….they controlled my destiny…because I gave them all my power.. Yes, many days, the pain still exists, but I am in a state of constant change that is taking me from despair…to reclaiming my life.

To live in freedom, is MY RITE OF PASSAGE.

I believe that on my Journey to Healing, God is the source of my Strength.

Shatter the glass of any negative in your past, Remove the burden carried upon your back.
Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality.
Stand with hope, truth and a desire to face all trials with dignity.
Breathe deep the fragrance of sweet victory. You have the power within to reach your every dream.
Stand up and know exactly whom you are, Lift your head my sister and no longer look down.
For a virtuous Woman is emerging from within.
Copyright ©2008 Denise Boyd