I was attacked

at the very core

of my being and

was told to end it.

That I was not going to

live past the depression,

the anxiety and the tremendous

amount of pain.

The lies, and self hatred

tried to overshadow every ounce

of hope and faith

I previously held onto.

Even though I walk through the

darkest valley…

Fragmented pieces of the

memories came flashing

back as I tried to piece them

together and make sense

of the realization that these

were not nightmares but

factual suppressed recollections.

I will fear no evil…for you are with me….

It was too much!

I felt as if I was literally being

ripped from the inside out.

Every part of my body ached

as I exposed the truth and

walked through the dark

murkiness of my past.

You protect and guide me,

and I find comfort as you console me…

In my despair,

I wept, as I released the pain.

You are repairing all the damage

that was done to me,

and restoring the deepest,

most real part of me.

Lord, my strength and hope, comes from you.

(*Psalm 23)

~ denise marie

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by…anxiety

5…4…3…2…1…

frantic images are vividly playing out behind my eyes…

my mind is racing and all of my senses are heightened to the point that I literally want to RUN out of my own skin…

it’s a thief…

attempting to rob me of my tranquility…

what do I “see”

what do I “hear”

what do I “smell”

what do I “feel”

what do I “taste”

they say grounding brings me back to reality

it does….but then what?

I say….

i’m fleeing…

to my place of peace…

where He quiets my racing pulse…

and speaks peace to the frantic storm…

welcoming me with open arms…

I calmly exhale my fear…and inhale serenity.

~ denise marie

When anxiety overwhelms me, your Word comforts me and brings me joy.

– Psalm 94:19

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by…discontent

Why must we

wander around,

looking to fill

the emptiness

with things

outside of ourself?

Attempting to drown out

the pain by trading

inanimate items

for animate

disappointments.

Yearning

for that

next fix,

which will

never truly

fill the

void.

~Denise

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by chaos…

Fast talking,

heart pumping

overthinking

everything.

This nervous energy

was driven by

an attempt

to hide behind

the inability

to trust,

even my

own instincts.

Trauma

groomed me

into believing

that I was nothing

outside of what

I did for others.

Unknowingly,

it kept

me bound,

to things out of

my control.

I’ve learned,

to walk away

from the chaos,

and to step

into my

true authentic self.

For there is where,

I am happy,

and for there is where,

I am free.

~Denise

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36

No longer held captive by…isolation

I lost a close friend this week.

My heart hurts as I battled with thoughts of “why didn’t I call her on Friday”, “why wasn’t I there to check on her when she needed me?”

Then in a quiet voice, God quickly reminded me that HE was there.

In an instant I began to celebrate all of our deep conversations about God and how much she loved him, our laughing at the silliest of things until we cried hysterically. The dinners, the kids parties, our funny dance moves, the cries on each other’s shoulders and the bear hugs that reminded each other that no matter what, everything was gonna be alright.

This loss, is devastating on so many levels especially for her sweet children, spouse, family and close friends.

But in the midst of these tears, more than ever I want to encourage you to reach out for help if you need it, your not alone and isolation is a breeding ground for lies, deception and defeat.

Reach out and tell someone…

anyone…that you need help.

I guarantee you, that you are not forgotten, and there is hope.💗

~ Denise xoxo

25 likes on facebook..changed everything…

25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…

On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!

Or so..I thought.

As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.

As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.

I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.

I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..

~ xoxo Denise

When zoloft & ballon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, take a run.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I cuffed up my skinny jeans, painted my toes red and threw on a pair of flip flops.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I placed an orange and silver necklace upon my neck,  which stands out brightly upon the white t-shirt.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I no longer  conform to buying so many black items of clothing.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I take more risks and tap into my freedom.

Wow! Those  words chime like a loud cymbal in the pit of my soul! Every part of my being screams out from under the restraints of  the tidy little box..that I call my “safety”.

A place where the fear of rejection are nestled closely to her friend,  the lack of confidence.

A place where I can go unnoticed and not draw “attention” to any flaws or shortcomings.

A place where no one can take any part of me, in which I am not willing to give.

A place in my heart in which I’ve called, “home” for much too long.

Recently the color me RAD 5k run was in my city. I am not a runner, but I have this desire to push my body in a way I have never challenged it before. I want to experience the freedom of not only running, but of finishing the race.

Of course, I chuckle at the “new and improved Denise” and clearly say this with much apprehension.

It’s much like my healing journey; I want the joys of freedom, but am I willing to go thru the pain? Yes..I am.

Because..I AM WORTH IT!

This Mom is teaching her Daughter to live freely..Because She is WORTH IT.

~ xoxo Denise

CRMD12_03_3234-682x1024

In the words of Color Me RAD: When Zoloft and balloon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, the best way to brighten your life is to run, Color Me Rad 5K.

Instead of running FROM something, get ready to run FOR something.

photo credit: http://www.colormerad.com/blog/page/9/

Quotes, Cliches & Bad Timing…

There were times in my life, that I did not believe this statement, “You were given this life, because you were strong enough to handle it”. Ummmm….Which part was I given and expected to be strong enough to handle?

Over the years I have been told this cliche and several others by many people. And at the time, it totally caught me off guard and I may not have responded to the person in a kind and respectful manner. Can you say..bad timing?!  You see, I understand that they may have been trying to “encourage me”, but in the midst of a struggle, crisis, mini meltdown.. I would say, that the above statement is something I DID NOT want to hear.

If you were not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, you really don’t have a clue clear understanding of what we are going thru or how we should handle it. Questions like, ” how come you are still not able to move on from the abuse that happened so long ago?”

On this healing journey, there may be days that I don’t wear my smile and at times I may allow the pain to out shine my sunny demeanor, but.. it does not mean I don’t have Faith, it only means that I am human. We can be strong in so many areas, but every now and then we need someone to hold our hand and say that everything will be alright.

I know many people are uncomfortable discussing the subject and really don’t know what to say. But a great response, which is full of grace, would be “even though I completly don’t understand what you are going thru, just know I am here for you, and I am praying for you. I know it hurts like hell heck, but I am believing that Everything will be ok“.

Yes….Everything will be ok.