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In my darkest hour…I found hope.

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flower in darkness

I was attacked at the very core of my being and was told to end it.
That I was not going to live past the depression, the anxiety and the tremendous amount of pain. The lies, and self hatred tried to overshadow every ounce of hope and faith I previously held onto.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley…

Fragmented pieces of the memories came flashing back as I tried to piece them together and make sense of the realization that these were not nightmares but factual suppressed recollections.

I will fear no evil…for you are with me…

It was too much! I felt as if I was literally being ripped from the inside out. Every part of my body ached as I exposed the truth and walked through the dark murkiness of my past.

You protect and guide me, and I find comfort as you console me…

In my despair, I wept as I released the pain of that little girl.

You are repairing all the damage that was done to me, and restoring the deepest, most real part of me. 

My strength Lord, comes from you. ~ xoxo Denise

*Psalm 23

There are times in all of our lives that things become overwhelming, sometimes to the point that life seems to be crashing in from every angle of your life, which for me caused me to literally find myself in a dark place and needing help.

I wanted to isolate but instead I called for help.

I want to encourage you, to seek help.

If you find yourself in a position that you need to talk to someone, reach out for help.

You are not alone, you are not overreacting and please don’t feel as if you are bothering them.

Pick up your phone… and call someone.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Cutting the ties that bind….

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My pulse is racing, sweat is pouring from my forehead, the lump in my throat is being crushed with each attempt to swallow. A panic attack is nearing…so I open my eyes, and realize I am ok.

Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality..

As a survivor of sexual abuse. There had been many years that an “invisible” rope was draped around my neck. Every flashback triggered a negative reaction that seemed to bring an overwhelming sensation of choking.

Literally choking..you know..the feeling of desperately trying to cry out or speak, but the tightening of the muscles around my neck, made it impossible.

The intense emotional pain from the abuse, had me wanting to crawl out of my skin in order to find relief.

“On the Other Side of Fear, Lies Freedom” ~ risingbean

For many years, the pain laid dormant around the exterior of my heart. Which prevented self worth and love to penetrate.

Every prior resistance to healing, is no longer confined to the barriers of those walls.

For over 40 years, I allowed the abuser(s) to have power over me…power over my way of thinking…power over the way I behaved….they controlled my destiny…because I gave them all my power.. Yes, many days, the pain still exists, but I am in a state of constant change that is taking me from despair…to reclaiming my life.

To live in freedom, is MY RITE OF PASSAGE.

I believe that on my Journey to Healing, God is the source of my Strength.

Shatter the glass of any negative in your past, Remove the burden carried upon your back.
Cut the rope from around your neck that’s attempting to choke your reality.
Stand with hope, truth and a desire to face all trials with dignity.
Breathe deep the fragrance of sweet victory. You have the power within to reach your every dream.
Stand up and know exactly whom you are, Lift your head my sister and no longer look down.
For a virtuous Woman is emerging from within.
Copyright ©2008 Denise Boyd

25 likes on facebook..changed everything…

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25 LIKES…9 COMMENTS…556 FRIENDS…

On August 8, 2014..I posted a video on my personal facebook page to share with the “world” that I had been sexually abused as a child.
The moment after I clicked “post”, I felt on top of the world! I had conquered my BIGGEST Fear!

Or so..I thought.

As the days went by, the euphoria lessened and I realized that my post made others uncomfortable. The small number of likes and comments crushed me and made the ugly root of rejection, fear and depression come to the surface of my heart.

As much as I told myself that I was doing my part for humanity by bringing “Awareness”. I desperately wanted everyone to SEE that “I” was a victim of sexual abuse and rape.

I thought I didnt want to be looked at differently. But actually, yes, I DO.

I want YOU to read my post and feel uncomfortable. I want YOU to look at the video and cringe as you look into the eyes of me as a child and see the blank stare and pain of an innocent child who was sexually abused.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and rape..

~ xoxo Denise

Look Me In The Eye…

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little girl
Look me in the eye –
It’s OK if you’re scared, so am I.
But we’re scared for different reasons.
I’m scared of what I won’t become
And you’re scared of what I could become.
Look at me –
I won’t let myself end where I started.
I won’t let myself finish where I began.
I know what is within me,
Even if you can’t see it yet.
Look me in the eyes –
I have something more important than courage,
I have patience,
I will become what I know I am.
– Michael Jordan

Healing Oneself by Healing Others

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I would like to say thank you to Patricia of “Because Women Are Amazing” for giving me the opportunity to be a guest on her Blog Talk Radio Show. You are truly an Amazing Women! Thank you for being an example to others and for your determination to empower and encourage women to live our life’s purpose! Hugs and much love!

Because Women are Amazing

Denise was a treat; open, candid, caring; with great respect and compassion she gave us a picture of denisechildwhat happens in to the life of those who suffer; she was able to transmit to us a reality that could hardly be ignored, a past that doesn’t go away till it is looked at it in the face, till it is accepted and embraced, out in the open so we are able to let go, to let be. The kind of past that needs to be acknowledged and embraced, talked about and brought to light so it can heal, blending with today’s safe memories.

Having been molested, Denise went through very hard times, detached from reality, denying her pain, she went trough life with a tremendous secret, sorrow and shame that was eating her inside. During all those years of silence, the abuse that had happened was still a negative force…

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When zoloft & ballon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, take a run.

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Because I am WORTH IT.

I cuffed up my skinny jeans, painted my toes red and threw on a pair of flip flops.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I placed an orange and silver necklace upon my neck,  which stands out brightly upon the white t-shirt.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I no longer  conform to buying so many black items of clothing.

Because I am WORTH IT.

I take more risks and tap into my freedom.

Wow! Those  words chime like a loud cymbal in the pit of my soul! Every part of my being screams out from under the restraints of  the tidy little box..that I call my “safety”.

A place where the fear of rejection are nestled closely to her friend,  the lack of confidence.

A place where I can go unnoticed and not draw “attention” to any flaws or shortcomings.

A place where no one can take any part of me, in which I am not willing to give.

A place in my heart in which I’ve called, “home” for much too long.

Recently the color me RAD 5k run was in my city. I am not a runner, but I have this desire to push my body in a way I have never challenged it before. I want to experience the freedom of not only running, but of finishing the race.

Of course, I chuckle at the “new and improved Denise” and clearly say this with much apprehension.

It’s much like my healing journey; I want the joys of freedom, but am I willing to go thru the pain? Yes..I am.

Because..I AM WORTH IT!

This Mom is teaching her Daughter to live freely..Because She is WORTH IT.

~ xoxo Denise

CRMD12_03_3234-682x1024

In the words of Color Me RAD: When Zoloft and balloon animals can’t seem to raise your spirits, the best way to brighten your life is to run, Color Me Rad 5K.

Instead of running FROM something, get ready to run FOR something.

photo credit: http://www.colormerad.com/blog/page/9/

Not believing the hype of wearing an “S” on my chest..

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superwoman-blog-illustration

Like many of you Mom’s out there,

At times, I struggle with balancing life’s demands.

Tackling multiple projects at home and work, juggling hectic schedules and commitments..trying to meet the needs of my children, husband, friends and extended family.

Proudly announcing to whoever will listen, that I AM WOMAN!

Running around, pounding the “S” on my chest, with my eyes bugged out, looking less like the sexy SuperWoman, but more like a frazzled, stressed out Mama in need of a pedicure.

While listening way too much to the little voice that whispers..your never going to be good enough.. therefore..keeping me trapped in the lie of never measuring up to the woman, that I have put on that unrealistic platform of perfection.

Ouch..it hurts to read those words. You see…as easy as it is to place the blame on someone else, I had to admit, that I choose to live this way.

You see, from the time I was a little girl, I had this overwhelming need to be needed.

So as an adult, I had to stop and recognize the unhealthy behavior that continues to try to hinder my healing.

Today, I am believeing that my value and worth is based on WHO I AM and not because of what I can do. 

~ xoxo Denise