For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. – John 3:16
Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!
My prayer today…
Category: Love
I am her…
– John 8:36
There was a time, that I didn’t identify with the one who stared at me daily in the mirror.
Sometimes I didn’t like her, other times I felt like I didn’t really know her and many times didn’t understand her. She found herself lost between living to please others and resenting her continued self-sacrifice, even at the cost of her well being.
Ultimately betraying herself.
Numerous times she tried to free her true self, but found it difficult to come out from under the deep despair of childhood trauma and shame.
Today, she realizes it’s ok to choose Her.
She now, carefully cradles her heart, whispering powerful words of truth dripped in non-judgmental love and grace.
She is no longer hidden beneath the layers of trauma, she is emerging, growing and nurturing each space within the weight of her being.
She no longer identifies as an outsider, but acknowledges Her name.
The name her Mother, lovingly graced her with in 1969.
Her name is Denise Marie and I am her.
Celebrating a day in history…
I will not be silenced…
My voice matters.
My opinion matters.
My words matter.
My thoughts matter.
What I have to say matters.
How I feel matters.
My questions matter.
My disagreeing with you matters.
Standing up for myself matters.
Speaking up matters.
What I like matters.
What I don’t like matters.
Telling my jokes matter.
Telling my story matters.
My choice matters.
My dreams matter.
My disappointments matter.
My goals matter.
My style matters.
Being comfortable in my own skin matters.
Being confident matters.
Being unsure at times, matters.
Taking my time to process my feelings matters.
Being sad matters.
Being happy matters.
Being angry matters.
Laughing out loud matters.
My smile matters.
My quirkiness matters.
My “no” matters.
My “yes” matters.
Saying exactly what I mean matters.
Having boundaries matter.
Being kind to myself matters.
Being kind to others matters.
Practicing self-care matters.
Loving freely matters.
My brown skin matters.
Being myself, even when others say it’s “too much” matters.
Being free spirited matters.
Letting go of what I can’t control matters.
Liking myself matters.
Loving myself matters.
I matter.
~ denise marie
lean into his presence…
This week I was feeling a lot of anxiety. Between the pandemic, friends and family battling sickness, the loss of so many lives, the violence, the financial struggles of many, racial injustice and the chaos in our nation, I found myself struggling to hold onto my peace. My emotions fluctuating from sadness, to anger, to fear as I battled my own thoughts to bring my mindset back to a place of peace.
Then I heard a still small voice that said, “Lean into his presence.”. At that very moment I knew he was calling me to him.
One of my favorite lyrics in a song by Elevation Worship goes,
“In Your presence there is freedom
In Your presence there is hope
In Your presence there is healing
Love restores me, I am whole”.
In my moments of distress, I am learning as I lean into his presence, my anxiety surrenders to Him.
Lean into his presence.
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
**side note**: I am a firm believer in Jesus and Therapy! God provides us with resources that if we are willing, can come alongside us and help us in our journey. My regular appointments with my therapist and support from my sponsor in Celebrate Recovery, are vital parts of my healing!💗
Intentional living…
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
When the waves come crashing…I will trust you.
Wherever You would call me,
Take me deeper than my feet
could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”.
⁃ Oceans by Hillsong United
This summer, I had an overwhelming need to go to the Ocean, so I told my husband and the next day we drove to Santa Cruz.
As I stood there on these rocks on the beach, I watched the water go from calm to all of a sudden the waves came crashing violently and then the calmness of the water subsided as the waves went back out to sea.
I was so fortunate to capture this photo at the exact moment of impact.
As I watched in awe, I heard God sweetly whisper, “trust me”.
Unbeknownst to me, my life would change four days later, when I survived a pulmonary embolism.
As I heal, this picture is a constant reminder of how we all face the unexpected crashing of overwhelming situations that disrupt our life. But even in those uncertain times, God promises to be our firm foundation, as he continuously whispers “trust me”.
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety”.
– Psalm 18:2
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36 #nolongerheldcaptive
Loving you…
Inhale the sweet fragrance…
my joy emerges.
~ denise marie
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
#nolongerheldcaptive
His love lifted me…
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
#nolongerheldcaptive
International Women’s Day is everyday…says this survivor.
Being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape at 14. I lived most of my life in a fragmented mindset, pieces of my identity hidden behind the shadow of what I only allowed others to see. The secrets were suppressed and the key to that pain was locked away.
The bondage placed upon my life at the early age of 4, was meant to be a death sentence of everything good that my Mother and Grandmother stood for and the love they so lovingly wrapped me in, was now blemished. The curse had been passed down through generations and as much as they tried to protect me from abuse, I experienced this unmentionable pain in the hands of people they trusted.
Years of flashback and triggers haunted me as I covered up the pain through perfectionism, people pleasing, an eating disorder and many other coping mechanisms. Trauma after trauma tried to keep my mind in a self-denial pit of defeat. Blurring my decision making and accepting unhealthy boundaries.
On the outside I appeared to have it ALL together, picture perfect is what some would say. But, on the inside I felt scarred, damaged, worthless, unloveable and broken.
I was lost.
When I chose to face the truth and feel the pain, it was excruciating, literally debilitating and heart wrenching.
I wanted to put it all back in the pretty little box that I secretly kept hidden in the crevices of my heart.
But I couldn’t…the truth was exposed and I had to make a decision, either I was gonna fold or I was gonna fight…and I chose to fight for my freedom.
What does fighting for my freedom look like?
Everyday making a decision to do the next right thing…..in spite of depression, anxiety, ptsd, wanting to isolate, low self esteem, doubt, fear or self sabotage.
The next right thing looks
like…..accountability, intensive therapy, an eating disorder program, Celebrate Recovery: 12-step Christ centered recovery program, reaching out to others who I trust when I need support or a listening ear, prayer…lot’s of prayer, self-care, journaling, spending time with my husband, kids, granddaughter and our dog, walking preferably near salt water with the beach under my feet, fresh air, essential oils, laughter, whole food, supplements, chocolate, reading, drinking water, sipping my cup of coffee in a pretty mug, finding joy and gratitude daily…even when it’s hard and learning to love, accept love and give love.
Above all else, my relationship with God through his son Jesus is how I am learning to view myself through His Word, promises and truth. I am healing.
These are some of the tools, resources and support I have used and some I am still using to help me walk in my freedom.
Everyday I celebrate “international women’s day” as I cheer on other women who are locking arms with others who are overcoming tremendous battles (some in which others may never know about) and are taking one step at a time to courageously become liberated from what tried to destroy her.
My name is denise marie and
I AM no longer held captive…by my childhood secrets, I AM free.
“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. – John 8:36
#nolongerheldcaptive
No longer held captive 