Validation – to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy
Sharing my story with a few of my close friends and family was very difficult. I would like to say, I sat down with each of them and spoke to them one on one, but I didn’t.
It was a bit impersonal. I sent them an email, explained to them that I have been holding onto a childhood secret and that I am sharing my story publicly on April 5th. It ended with directing them to my blog and asking them to please read it. I let them know that I was not “looking for sympathy”. As if, I had to “give” them permission to not feel sorry for me.
Once I hit the send button on my email message, I told myself, that it did not matter if they read it, and it didn’t matter if they respond to me or not. I was clearly lying to myself.
As I waited for each of them to respond, I experienced an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and depression.
I kept looking at my email, hoping for a reply. Looking at my phone, hoping for a call or a text. What was wrong with me? Every fiber of my being needed to be validated.
I needed them to respond, I needed them to tell me that it is ok, that they still love me and that they do not look at me any different. I remembered being a little girl, I always felt like, something was wrong with me. This “feeling” lingered on thru my teenage years and to be honest, those feelings sometime try to latch onto me as an adult. It is hard to explain, but the best way I can explain it, is that it is a feeling of being “marked”. As I waited for the response, that feeling of being “marked” was draped completly over me.
A few of my friends and all of my family responded. Many of them congratulated me for being strong and were so proud of me. A few of them said that they too had experienced childhood sexual abuse or rape. The few that I did not hear from, I just have to believe that maybe they did not recieve my email or that they just did not know how to respond.
I am Worthy. I am Validated.
Those Words kept ringing in my head, “I am Worthy..I am Validated”. Many times in the moments of our despair, it is amazing how God gives us words that give us life. He reminded me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or does, because I am Worthy. I feel like I was being told to Prevail over my Past. And that there is nothing that has happened to me that can’t be used to Strenghthen me.
My story of overcoming the abuse is not for EVERYONE, but it is for SOMEONE and therefore, I have to keep moving forward and not look for RESULTS. The reminder of my worthiness, freed my mind and my emotions and has allowed me to move forward.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
No longer held captive 
Hello Anna,
Thank you for sharing that story with me. It helps me to remember that I have to move forward in this healing journey. Some will understand, some will not. But none-the-less, I have to know that I am Worthy and Validated. Please be sure to send me the website for survivors, I would love to view the website. Thank you!
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I have a tale of validation I would like to share with you. A good friend of mine, one who perhaps had an idea of my history but couldn’t have known for sure, was looking for an image of a particular flower to incorporate into a tattoo. I knew exactly where there was just such an image – a website for survivors that I use. I made a decision in a split second and gave her the web address, knowing that in going there she would recognise the content of the site and understand why I knew of its existence. It was like “coming out” to her. A couple of weeks later she showed me her tattoo incorporating the image, my image, inked on her shoulder and a permanent part of her life for ever. We never spoke about the website and what it means to me, but I told her that she had validated me by using the image for her body art. She responded by telling me I had validated our friendship by showing her the image, and that it was she who was priveleged because I had taken her into my confidence.
Some will validate us with words, some with actions. I hope your friends and family recognise that your experiences make you more of a person, not less of one. Those who do not only lessen themselves.
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That made me cry, as I can see clearly my own needs to be “seen” not to feel invisible. The fact that I am still living a bad situation as I described on Sunday in my Blog post makes it even worse. I feel the need to tell people and at the same time I am terrified. I wrote about it looking for support, but found myself more anxious as i wanted to know what each one is thinking about me now. Its hard, sometimes really hard.
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Nikky44, I know it is hard, but we have to know that keeping our story to ourselves will lead to us feeling worse. I am so thankful for the bravery to share in this blog, and I am so proud of you. I know that sharing the story brings power and healing. One step at a time. Keep the Faith.
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I really appreciate your support!!!
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It has taken me years to get to where I am today and today I can walk around with my head held high, confident and secure of myself. This is all possible because today, I now know and understand what I have gone through and I don’t say that lightly. It is much more deeper than that.
You ARE worthy and you ARE validated. Always hold on to that and keep moving forward.
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I am looking forward to that day. I know it is coming, but I also know I have to go thru the mud to get there. I appreciate you, and your story of Victory! Thank you!
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I remember when I first told my family what I had gone through. It wasn’t easy because I was still living in the fog. I didn’t know I was being abused. It took months of arguing and therapy before I finally understood, and years before they finally understood. My friends,well, that’s another story all together, but basically, I had to go through it alone in a sense. It was through that I understood that the only validation I truly needed was my own and His.
He never argued with me as I tried to explain my pain and experiences. He didn’t tell me that He didn’t want to hear no more. He stood by me, guiding me into the light as I learned to understand what I had gone through. He gave me the courage and strength to move forward. The only real validation I needed, He gave me through His love. And the through the power of His love, I was able to love myself.
Keep moving forward, even if it is one baby step at a time.
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Hello Lana,
I completly understand what you are saying about going thru it alone. I don’t think I can actually call them and talk to them about the ugliness of the abuse. I am planning on going back to therapy and listening to more motivational cd’s, church, etc. So that I have the support I need without that person being involved in my everyday life. I feel like I have to seperate the “hurt” Denise from the everyday functioning Denise. Thank you for your support thru your comments, it really helps to know that people understand what I am going thru.
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Bnewvision, you’ve shown immeasurable strength by writing about and addressing past abuse as you saw fit. May you always find and use the tools you’ve been provided to overcome. Indeed, you are worthy of much more than just a response to your story — be that love you deserve, and soon it will feel like a second skin, warding off the fears that whisper to you to seek validation.//mm
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Milkyminx,
I really appreciate your comment and words of encouragement. Thank you!!
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