From this day forth, I strive to tell the
- Authentic “true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character”
- Unadulterated ”not diluted or made impure”
- Truth “a verified or indisputable fact”
Of, My story about being sexually molested as a child and raped as a teenager.
Over the years, I learned how to mask the hurt, pain and turmoil. As of yet, I have not shared my story with some of my closest friends or many of my family members. Some may say, I am the ultimate actress in this role I call, My Life. Yes, in order to cope, I had to seperate myself from the little girl who was abused. But at 42 years of age, those acts of violation againgst me, affected who I was, and held me back from who God truly inteded for me to be. It was time for me to heal.
In this journey, I use the following statement of truth to remind myself of who I am and who I have become, “I am beautifully created, smart and funny. I take pride in being a great Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, and Friend. I am a professional woman who is Loved and Respected. People want to be around me because they like me, and not because they want to use my body for their pleasure”. The affirmations and declarations I use are an imperative part of my healing.
Reading and writing poetry has always been one of my passions, in Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem, there is a section that says, “Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries”. It goes on to say, Still…I Rise, I Rise, I Rise“.
The abusers may have tried to break me, by unknowingly keeping me in a lifetime of bondage to the “hidden” parts of my life. When I release those secrets, I allow myself to feel the deep pain caused by the abuse. In the privacy of my home, normally in my room, I reflect on the abuse. The overwhelming feeling of heartache consumes me and has caused me to fall to the ground, roll up in a ball, and lay there in a fetal position. The amount of pain that I carry in my soul can be debilitating. (when reflecting on the pain, always make sure you have a support system nearby, for your safety)
In those moments, I cry out to God and hold onto my Faith. He helps me to Rise with Strength and with Power to overcome the hurt, guilt, shame and depression. The following video is of Whitney Houston singing, “I Look to You”. It is a powerful song that depicts the ultimate need for Grace, Love and Acceptance that I’ve learned can only be fulfilled by my relationship with God.
As I move forward in this Healing Journey, I will always continue to Look To You, which comes my help.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
12 thoughts on “Today..I Strive..”
Dear Vision: You display remarkable courage for coming to the surface and helping others even though you were hard to find, it was worth it. I hope you find the love and acceptance that you so deeply and richly deserve. Take care. Marc Marrs
Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes, I try, I feel the need to say things, but then, I don’t know where to start and how, maybe the reason is that it’s ongoing?
I love when you share your work. Did you know that my blog is running a month long campaign for Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. I have been doing interviews of women and men who have overcome abuse. These stories are powerful healing tools in the war on child abuse, and adults who are in recovery. Please share with everyone that you know. And, if you’re up to it, reach out to me. Only if you’re ready, I’d like to share your story, Bless you, Res
Hi Res, Yes! I would be honored to share my story and be inteviewed by you. I will look send you an email today. Thank you so much for the opportunity!
I remember when I first heard this song, it spoke from my soul and I was moved completely. I will always cherish this song because it reminds me to leave my heart open.
There is a book I once read that I think you might enjoy. It helped me understand my beauty regardless of all the pain I felt. I don’t usually suggest books because I understand we each take away something different even when faced with the same situation, but I’ll take a chance and share it with you.
The book is called, “Completely His” by Shannon Ethridge. http://www.shannonethridge.com/book/completelyhis.shtml
Michelle, no worries! I appreciate your advice, your suggestions and you taking the time to speak to me on my blog. I will look up the book today. Thank you!
I love this song, so very, very much. It moves you unrelentingly if your heart is open enough to allow Him in.
I remember those nights I sat on the floor of my bathtub, the water of the shower running all over me and the depths of my soul pleading with the Lord to let the water cleanse me of all the pain and hurt I felt. Those painful memories I hold dear to my heart, because from them I know He is with me.
My friends and family didn’t understand, my support system was my writing and those that had the courage to comment.
I have fallen in love with my journey because I have fallen in love with myself and by allowing that to happen, I am able to move forward fearlessly as I know you will too.
Thank you Lana for your encouragement. It is so nice to know others can relate to what I am sharing. So many years I was afraid to tell people my story for fear of rejection, I didn’t want to be looked at as if something was wrong with me or how could I have “let” this happen to me. But now I am determined to tell my story with pride, knowing that I no longer have to hide from the truth. Your kindness and words spoke directly to my heart, Thank you..Thank you..Thank you..
You are such a strong and amazing soul! I really admire you being brave enough to confront your past and begin the process of healing. It is far from easy and takes a lot of time, but you are on the right path. Daily affirmations do truly make a huge difference and help me as well. I hope you continue to see how brilliant you are and never let anyone control your happiness! xoxo
Bailey, Thank you for celebrating with me! As you know, this is one of the hardest journeys, but yet when I share my story, feelings, and thoughts, it is liberating! You too are strong and amazing for moving forward and being an encoragement to others. Hugs!
I’ve have been seeing “Moving Forward” as a recurring theme. The Spirit of the Lord is speaking. Just don’t look back! The Truth has Made you Free…..