The tightening of my chest causes me to pray for help. I grab ahold of the white and red chamber that carries the medication that brings me instant relief. I inhale the mist, hold my breath and count down…5..4..3..2..1..exhale..Now I can breathe freely.
I have lived the last 39 of my almost 43 years of my life as an asthmatic. I recently had a conversation with my Mom and asked her at what age did I begin having asthma attacks? She said that at 4 years old, I would be rushed to the emergency room, several times a week due to asthma attacks. She also stated that not only did I have asthma attacks, but I also stopped eating. She would have to leave snacks around the house, hoping that if I became hungry enough, I would eat.
For many of years, I have had flashbacks to the time that I was in preschool. I would see a mat on the floor, and a thin, off white blanket on top of the mat. When it was naptime, the teachers had every student lay on their mat, but we were required to remove our clothing. We were only allowed to keep on our undergarments. I don’t remember much else from the days of attending that preschool. My mom said that she withdrew me from the school, because she “had a bad feeling”, she called it a “Mother’s intuition”.
In 1973, I believe that is when I first encountered childhood sexual molestation. The manifestation of symptoms, were clearly the sign of a child who had been abused.
The Webster’s dictionary defines, Restoration as the following:
“The return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed”.
As I continue on my journey of healing, I know that I will face the darkest times of my past, I will bravely take on the armour of God that He promises will be my protection. I hold onto the Hope and Expectation of the things to come….MY complete Restoration of the Return to the Condition of What I WAS BEFORE I was changed by the hands of an abuser.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©
No longer held captive 
You just have to remember to take baby steps, little by little, and we are all entitled to moments of darkness and fear of what once was, but we have to remember that it is in those times we find our strength and courage through God’s grace. You are stronger and braver than you know.
We are not alone. Not yesterday, not today and never tomorrow.
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Hi Michelle,
Yes, Sometimes, I tend to want to hurry up and heal. But then I realize, healing takes time. I am glad that I am “allowing” myself to feel the sadness & pain as well as the joy. Yes, God gives me the strength and courage to continue.
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I and everyone who has ever known you and love you are so very, very proud that you are taking a step towards not only healing yourself, but every other person who has ever experienced anything similar. Yes, by talking about these experiences, it not only takes some of the power away, but it validates and heals you from within. The way you write and share is a type of prayer. It can be read, reflected upon, and shared with others. Even those who may not have shared what you endured can be strengthened by listening to your story. I love you and am so very proud of you. Please never stop letting your light shine and being a lighthouse to all those still drifting in the fog of all of the many emotions one has to face when confronted with the unimaginable. Keep writing. Keep sharing. Keep healing.
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Cynthia,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I love when you said that, that by “talking about these experiences, it not only takes some of the power away, but it validates and heals you from within”. Yes, that is so true! Thank you for being part of my life, you are my encourager, my friend, my confidant, one that I can sit with a cup of tea and talk with and share my life with. I love you Sister!
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Better understated than overstated. Let people be surprised that it was more than you promised and easier than you said. Jim Rohn
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You are so strong Denise. I have been through that from age 6 to 17, and didn’t dare talk about it to anyone. I am 44, and I am not sure if i will ever recover, but I’m trying 😦
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Thank you nikky44. To be honest, I find my strength in sharing my story and ecouraging others. I have moments of saddness and anger, but than I feel empowered when I write or when I speak to someone who is in the same battle for freedom from the past. I too have many of years of absue by different people until the age of 12. I want to give you hope that you will recover, just keep taking one step forward at a time, even if you fall a few steps back. Please continue to have Faith and Hope for your complete Freedom!
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You are so strong Denise. I have been through that from age 6 to 17, and didn’t dare talk about it to anyone. I am 44, and I am not sure if i will ever recover, but I’m trying.
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