When I began writing my blog, I felt liberated, excited, and empowered. But I soon noticed that those feelings of “bliss” quickly turned into a bit of anxiety, a bit of depression and alot of down right crankiness! I was wondering, what is wrong with me. Come on Denise, shake it off, work thru the pain and get back to writing. I felt like the little girl all over again, and I truly found myself afraid. Not afraid of my abuser, but just simply afraid. I just could not pull myself to tap into that “dark” time in my life and share my story. Yes, I could have posted one of my previously written poems. But I felt like I needed to wait until I was ready to write again.
The Webster’s Dictionary defines the meaning of Death as: “The End or Extinction of Something” and the meaning of Alive as:”Still existing, continuing, or functioning”.
I recently attended a funeral of a loved one. Throughout the service, I found my mind drifting as I looked around the room at all of the people who were in attendance. How many of them have carried childhood secrets? How many of them will carry this secret to their grave? I than focused my attention to the deceased loved one, sleeping peacefully in the casket…Inside I heard myself scream…..I am ALIVE! And at that point, the cloud of heaviness lifted and I found a new determination to continue writing.
The determination is to Find The Beauty….
While walking in my courtyard at work, I noticed, a single flower in the midst of a bare bush. It was more than just a flower..it was lively, with rich, vibrant colorful petals that completly captivated me. I have walked past that bush for years, but on this particular day, I feel like God was telling me, you are like that flower. There is beauty in the challenge, you may not see the result in that moment, but perserver and just like that flower, your beauty will blossom. So today, I am holding onto this promise and pushing thru the pain, to “see” the Beauty.
Denise Boyd Copyright ©